Hey, friends! First of all, I want to thank you guys for reading and supporting this blog. It’s been awesome getting to chat with some of you, and its even greater to read your supportive comments! 🙂
So, I just realized something today while I was scrolling through my various social media accounts. I never talk to the people that I used to drink with. Never. All of them are still bar-hopping, and posting videos/pictures of their night out of heavy drinking. And that’s exactly it- they were my drinking buddies– and that’s it. On my sobriety date, I severely sprained my ankle and I had to wear a walking boot for 7 weeks. I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t do many of my normal day to day activities. Out of the 25 people that I thought were my friends, 3 of them were concerned about my well-being and even drove me to doctors appointments (bless their hearts!). When I started telling the rest of my “friends” that I am living a sober lifestyle, they magically disappeared. Shocking, ground-breaking information… right?!
When I was drinking, I wanted (needed) almost everyone’s approval. Even people who would put me in risky situations. When I would get an in argument with somebody, I would be the first to apologize because I absolutely could not stand when somebody was mad at me. I would apologize even if I didn’t do anything wrong. At the time, I thought: “well hot damn, these people have seen me blackout drunk and still want to hangout with me! They’ll go to the bar with me when I’ve had a bad day and even buy me drinks! Those are what real friends are.” You wanna know why I did all that stuff? Because I felt so incredibly low about myself.
Because in the heat of my drinking, I didn’t even know who I was. I was so sick. My heart breaks for that girl. I distinctly remember looking at myself in the mirror after a night of heavy drinking. It’s hard to even write about this because it still haunts me from time to time. I had bloodshot eyes, bloated face, hair in disarray, smeared eye makeup, bruises on my body from falling/running into things at the bar— as I reached to gulp down a glass of water, I noticed my hand start to shake. I looked at the bottle of vodka that was next to the sink, took of shot of it, and felt the warmth going down my throat… and I instantly felt better. I said to myself word for word in the mirror: “who the hell are you? what have you become?!” I sank to the floor and cried. I wanted to punch the mirror so I didn’t have to look at the girl who was destroying her life. In that exact moment I wanted to stop the insanity. But later that night, I was back at it again— and with the people who were enabling my alcoholism. The picture on the left is me in July of 2015, and the picture on the right is me in March of 2017. Fake happiness on the left, real happiness on the right.
Now that I’m sober (by the grace of God!), I am constantly evaluating my friendships. I am so lucky to have 3 best friends that completely understand/support my sobriety, and only want the best for me. I am also incredibly lucky to have such a supportive sponsor and my new friends that I have made in AA. I am finally free to be unapologetically myself. I no longer feel the need to change who I am for somebody else’s approval. And that is one of the amazing blessings that sobriety has given me. My dad said to me today “you look so much different than you did on February 11th.” And that is 100% correct! Physically, I’ve lost 30 lbs. Emotionally, I am a happy, confident 23 year old girl. Even though I am still early in sobriety, I can see how much my life has changed for the better in so many ways. In the first couple days of sobriety, I was so sad that I would probably loose many of my “friends.” Now that I’m sober and have a clear head, I’m happy that I did a bit of “Spring Cleaning”, so to speak. It’s a great day to be sober. 🙂