I’m 101 days sober today and I am so grateful. My life has changed in so many positive ways! Because of sobriety, Alcoholics Anonymous, and outside help (pharmacological assistance and counseling), I am a completely different person. And this person is who I was always meant to be. I could have been this person years ago, and I know that. All of the chaos that alcohol caused could have been avoided, but I wasn’t ready to change. The disturbing truth is that I thought alcohol made me a person that everybody wanted to be around, the “life of the party”, the spontaneous rebel, the people pleaser; but BOY did it do the complete opposite. That person was a monster, and that person terrifies me to my very core. The actions I did when I was drinking terrifies me even more.
There was one specific night of impulsiveness that haunts me to this day. It probably will for years to come. That night was the night I knew that I had a problem. Two weeks later I decided that I was powerless over alcohol, my life had become unmanageable, and I needed help. Unfortunately, that night landed me into some trouble and now I have to face the music of what happened that night. I went for 5 months without hearing anything from the court system, but today I got that dreaded letter in the mail stating that I have to go to court next week. I have been in tears on and off all day. If I wan’t intoxicated that night, none of this would be happening.
I am absolutely petrified, and that’s putting it lightly. My remorse for that day is astronomical. My mind is automatically going to the “what if’s” and the absolute worst, which does nothing but cause my anxiety to spiral out of control. But, the fear of the unknown is absolutely killing me. I am going to have to hear what I did that night, what charges I’m faced with, etc. I just know I’m going to lose it. I cry even thinking about it. I cry thinking about that night, the person I was, and how alcohol had such a powerful (And completely negative) effect on me. Looking back on the person I was while I was in the heat of my drinking almost has a post traumatic stress disorder effect on me.
But, in spite of all this, I haven’t felt the urge to take a drink. Not one bit. Alcohol is POISON to me. I have been in constant contact with my sponsor and went to a meeting tonight. I read “How it Works” from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous when I came home from the meeting and prayed to my higher power to keep me in the palm of His hand during the next week or two. And I thanked Him for keeping me sober today and for all the blessings that he has given me. My higher power is working in my life in ways that I don’t really understand right now.
I can’t change the past. What happened, happened. I knew that this day was coming, but it made me physically sick to read it on legal documentation today. I’ve had nightmares about standing in front of the judge for months. The guilt and shame of who I became when I was in the heat of my alcoholism is still there, and I think about it every day. I know that will gradually dissipate in time.
I know that if that night didn’t happen, I probably would not be sober today. In fact, I know I would not be sober today. That’s the unfortunate reality for most alcoholics in recovery. I would not be the happy, joyous, and (almost!) free person that I am at this very moment. Granted I am a ball full of emotions right now, but this too shall pass. If I didn’t hit rock bottom, I would not have lost weight, I would not have confronted the demons that I hid for years, I wouldn’t be back in school to get my second Master’s degree in addiction counseling, I wouldn’t have fund the amazing fellowship of AA, I would not have gone through a 4 week intensive outpatient treatment program (That was INCREDIBLE!), and I defiantly would not be writing this blog to share my experience, strength, and hope with you all. Bottom line is- I hit rock bottom and I quit digging. I’m done.
My life today is pretty amazing. But, looking back on THE ABSOLUTE worst day of my life is rearing its ugly head. I know when all is said and done, a relief will be taken off of my shoulders. I can finally start to let go of the past and use that experience as a life-long learning lesson to never become that person again, and to help/inspire the next alcoholic.
I’m not sure how to end this post, because I’m feeling the same as when I started writing it. A ball full fo anxiety, guilt, remorse, and shame. But, if you would, please send positive vibes and prayers my way this week and next upcoming week. I ask that you pray for strength, peace of mind, serenity, and the courage to change the things I can. I’ll get through this without the crutch of alcohol. I will be a better person because of this. My higher power has removed the obsession of alcohol, which I never thought could be possible. I’m casting all of my anxieties on Him, because I know He cares for me.